Delinquent Helper Syndrome

Explanation:

The delinquent helper syndrome needs to be viewed from a different perspective than what most people would usually expect. The problem is usually not so much that one partner does not give enough help. Instead, the problem is more that a partner has somehow allowed themselves to become designated as a mere "helper" in the first place! Helpers do not have a lot of authority and certainly not much ownership of task responsibility. If one person thinks of their partner as needing to routinely "help" them, then the situation is a set-up for the other partner to disappoint them. Another way of saying this is as follows: When one person assumes almost all of the authority and responsibility for a task, the other partner will usually lose interest because they feel less ownership. If a wife assumes authority over all of the household domain as being hers, and if the husband buys into that picture, then it is natural that the husband will be more interest in other matters (and more forgetful about household chores). This is human nature.

An alternative approach is to forget about trying to have either partner routinely "help" the other except in cases where the first partner is truly incapacitated. Instead, it is possible for both parties to have their negotiated areas of responsibility that they feel that they own. There may be areas of joint responsibility and ownership but no partner is a helper to the other. What does this look like in real life? It looks like two equal business partners who routinely negotiate who is going to do what. In this case, the business is marital living and all the responsibilities involved. There is no law cast in stone that says that the wife must have sole responsibility for washing laundry and the husband must have sole responsibility for oil changes. A more enlightened approach is to assume that everything is viable for negotiation.

The process of methodically negotiating and reviewing marital responsibilities is a powerful antidote to the delinquent helper syndrome. By negotiating ownership of different tasks, each partner usually winds up feeling less like a helper (and more like an adult) within each negotiated responsibility. Of course there needs to be accountability whereby both partners review how well their plan is working. However, it should not be one person reminding the other about their responsibilities. This again would promote a split to occur with one person feeling like a scolding parent and the other feeling like a resentful child. It is better to set up accountability by having a schedule for routine periodic reviews for correcting the plan.