Role-Bound Emotional Starvation Syndrome

Explanation:

Emotional starvation is probably the most common malady to afflict couples today. It seems to be a scourge of the new millenium. There are a number of economic and sociological factors contributing to this but we'll save that discussion for another time. "Emotional starvation" is really a metaphor for not getting your dependency needs met. In this context, we are not referring to relying on others to make your decisions. Instead, we are referring to the basic need that we have to perceive that we are important to others. We all need emotional support (except perhaps a few psychopaths). Emotional support from others helps us to feel that our life has meaning beyond our jobs and tangible accomplishments. On a subtle but profound psychological level, we are hungry for love and are emotionally dependent in that way.

When we form a couple with another partner, we want to feel loved by them. Unfortunately, this is not as simple as it sounds. For example, if you would like to believe that you are loved by your partner, about what part of you are you talking? What defines "you"? Are you talking about your appearance? How about your achievements? Do you mean the favors you do for the other person? Maybe it's the fact that you're their spouse and reflect on their good taste. The point is that there are many ways to be considered important by another person and some of them are not emotionally satisfying.

The part of you that is most satisfying to have loved is your experience. Your experiential self involves your hopes, dreams, feelings, and desires. When you feel that these qualities are loved, you will feel loved at your core. The way that you can tell that your partner loves your experiential self is that they are curious and fascinated to know more about how you feel. What are your dreams? How do you view the world? What do you want? Your partner wants to know more, listens intently, and obviously enjoys it. Does this sound familiar or is this all too rare because of the ongoing chaos management of your everyday life? Do other "important" responsibilities eclipse intimate communication: responsibilities such as child-care or work brought home via laptop and other electronic tethers. Many couples spend time together but are are in managerial roles. Therefore, they are not emotionally receptive. Intimate receptive communication takes place at a slower pace than than other forms of communication. It is also not outcome driven. There is no final goal to achieve . The sole purpose derives from the process itself. For both people, it's enough to feel symbolically connected via the sharing of their experience. This is also the attitude of adult mutual play (and of good sex as well).

Emotional starvation occurs when a couple has allowed circumstances to bind them so tightly into responsibility roles that no time is available for intimate communication. There may be play time as in family vacations but the couple are always in parent mode. In these circumstances, intimate communication is still not taking place. An excellent diagnostic tool is to ask yourselves whether or not your relationship averages at least 2 hours per week of focused intimate conversation. By focused, we mean really mean without distraction and where the primary objective is to talk and listen with 100 % attention. This eliminates situations involving children, theater, or other stimulating entertainment. Focused intimate conversation would look more like taking a walk together while the two of you privately talk. It may be a special time together after the children have gone to sleep. It might be getting out for a cup of coffee and exploring each other's worlds in a quiet setting.

When there is almost no time spent in intimate communication, a bonded relationship will start to dysfunction because their dependency needs are not being met. It may come as a surprise to learn that most couples are unaware of when this is taking place. The reason for this is that most people like to view themselves as more autonomous than they really are. As a consequence, they underestimate or even completely eclipse their own dependency needs from their awareness. It's as if a person is starving but has no hunger! When this is happening, most couples will usually show their distress indirectly. Instead of allowing themselves to feel hurt, many people will turn the hurt into feelings of resentment and anger. For a couple with this kind of hidden suffering, the displaced feelings of resentment will condense onto convenient conflicts over control and respect. The couple becomes hypersensitive and anger is provoked by even small issues. The couple are often not even aware that hurt feelings of rejection underlie their conflicts. It's as if their resentment is seeking convenient vehicles for its expression.
Marriage counselors often see the aforementioned dynamic in reverse. As a couple devotes more time to focused intimate communication, their conflicts often "magically" become less numerous and less toxic. This author's interpretation is that when dependency needs are starting to be met, the covert suffering subsides and less anger is displaced. It has been our experience that 2 hours of focused intimate conversation per week is usually enough to emotionally sustain the dependency needs of most couples. When there has been a lot of previous deprivation, then 4 hours per week is often needed. While there are certainly other causes for suffering and conflict among couples, it still makes sense to try simple interventions first especially when they hold a good possibility for improving the situation.